Hosting takes a lot of Self-Forgiveness.

What does it mean to host?

In 2023, I’ve fallen ass-backward into the world of moderating.  I’ve moderated for the Atlanta Film Festival, the ONYX Collective at HULU, the iconic Dope is Death Documentary, and most importantly, my Grandmother’s 97th Birthday.

That’s not to say I’ve never done it before; I’ve hosted my own events for some years, and rarely thought to do it professionally until I began working for the festival, and the reactions were unprecedented:

“How do you do it? Why are you such a good host?  How do you think up your questions?”

Easy. Two words: “empathy” and “curiosity.”

  • I ask questions I genuinely want to know.

  • I want to know how the subject thinks or what they feel.

  • I consider how the filmmaker and audience feel.

  • I want everyone in the room to walk away with a new perspective - even myself.

  • Everyone must learn.


I skipped the month of May, but I’ve been dying to write this post. I’m overwhelmed with both grief and gratitude, two themes charging my growth.   A lot has taken place in my personal life that garnered my full attention.

But for now, a story from ATLFF ‘24:

Due to heavy attendance for our shorts and GA film Block, ATLFF added almost a full schedule of Encores. Additionally, our Director passed on moderating the Q+A for SING SING, so he could prep the visitors for our special Star Trek Episode 1 Screening.

Because we were stretched thin, we appointed Richard Martin from the Plaza to do the thing.

Meanwhile, I had been working all week to get my parents to come to *one* screening. At least one, preferably one where I was moderating. I wanted them to see their baby (grown-ass) girl!

The one they could make time for was SING SING.


“Well, my parents aren’t coming,” Richard remarked. “So, why don’t you take it?”

Left to Right: Monique Walton, Greg Kwedar, Richard Marton, Divine G, Clarence Maclin, Myself, Jon-Adrian Velazquez, & Sean Dino Johnson.

After the show, I interviewed stars Divine G, Clarence Maclin, Jean Adrian Velazquez, and Sean Dino Johnson, who all played themselves in the film. Director Greg Kwedar and producer Monique Walton also attended the Q+A, where I got to end our segment with this:

“How does one work with  - film, nonporous, and otherwise - vulnerable populations without exploiting them, and their marginalization?”

Sean Dino Johnson looked me in the eye and answered, “You have to believe in them. They can feel when you’re there out of obligation, and not heart. They can feel when you don’t believe in them, and meet them where they are. ”

This moment, along with my interviews with the casts and crews of both MOUNTAINS and FAMILY TREE echoed in my mind, as we got the gritty about family therapy, forgiveness, and staying grounded in a world that’s changing with or without your consent.

Themes that foreshadowed a few lessons to take with me, as I entered the next chapter of my life.

You see, the week after the festival, my grandmother passed at 98 years old.

Vivian Inez Bland Wallace | “Mama Vivian” | 1926-2024

“You have to believe in them. They can feel when you’re there out of obligation, and not heart. They can feel when you don’t believe in them, and meet them where they are. ”

Two years before her death, I interviewed Mama Vivian with a series of questions about our family history, and the histories of Natchez, Mississippi. The town’s full of characters, unsung heroes, and eerie facts to say the least. I went in with one objective and came out with  2 hours of recordings. I learned so much about our great great-great-grandmothers, great-uncles, and my grandmother’s old sewing clients including a butch brothel owner (Nellie Jackson’s rival*) - the stories were endless!

My recordings never made it off my phone. That phone died indefinitely the day ATLFS hired me in 2022. .

I don’t know if I’ll ever get those recordings back. In fact., I’ve accepted I may never recover them.  But that’s when I understood the most important aspects of hosting.  Let’s repeat

  • Ask questions I genuinely want to know.

  • How does the subject feel? What do they think?

  • Consider how the subject and the audience choose to celebrate in this space. Do they want to celebrate this moment?

  • Everyone in the room must walk away with a new perspective - even me.

  • Everyone must learn.

Me and my cousin Myesha Wallace introduced Mama Vivian’s birthday celebration. We were all supposed to wear hats.


In 2023, I had the honor of hosting her 97th Birthday party. And in 2024, I delivered my eulogy.

This summer has been a somber one for sure! Please cue the Lana Del Rey Summertime Sadness track, unironically. What is ironic, however, is how time hadn’t slowed down since the funeral. Updates below!

As I slow down I titled this journal entry after “self-forgiveness” because, underneath it all, that’s one of my biggest lessons in dealing with grief.


Everyone must learn.

“You have to believe in them. “

Empathy and curiosity happen most fluidly when you can accept being wrong. We don’t always get it right. SING SING was one of my favorite moderating moments because I went in green: I needed to be sensitive to the fact that I had no idea what I meant to be formerly incarcerated and liberated after. But believing in our subjects starts with forgiving ourselves for believing what we don’t know.


I forgave myself for the moments I didn’t get to spend moments with Mama Vivian before she ascended. But remember the important times when I did show.


If you’re ever thinking about grabbing a microphone and MCing a new media panel or your parents’ 50th anniversary, go in ready to learn. Have fun sharing a little piece of yourself. Forgive yourself for holding back on the days you were supposed to be the show. It is not selfish to want the spotlight when you know it is not all about you.


I’m sure this was all some distorted mess in recounting this past season, but I hope you were able to take something with you.

Shout out to my dad for his very rad Olympic 1996 Polo shirt!

In the meantime:


Astin RocksComment