A Journey with the Empress.

“You know, Astin, you don’t need me anymore.

…You are not the same young woman who walked into my office that day.”

Dr. Fiyat and Astin Rocks., 2021. Bessemer, AL, Journey 2 I.

Dr. Fiyah hated when I called her “My Therapist.” She preferred “Life Coach,” since she was giving me strategies to attack patterns that didn’t work for me anymore. But quite frankly, neither term fits, as she was so much more…

CW; Sexual Misconduct

On July 10, 2020, I experienced what we will call, sexual… hmmm assault always felt too heavy here, but I’ll say that the incident was non-consensual. It hurt because, a) I went for a massage, and b) at that moment, I felt like everyone had a say over my life, my body, and my decisions - except, me. The revelation kept me in the house for thirty days. 

Now at this point, I had been seeing Dr. Fiyah for almost a year. Between group sessions and 1/1s, I’d say we met on an average of… twice, sometimes three times a week.

Back then, I would almost word-vomit my past to anyone who would listen.  I wouldn’t use the word “broken,” to describe me, more like, "Void.” I had a lot of feelings, none of which I was actually in touch with. I was frustrated, guilt-ridden, and afraid that nothing would change.  More importantly, I was filled to the brim with rage and had no idea why, or where it came from.

But on July 10, I found out.

I don’t know if I had a “case,” but Dr. Fiyah sat on the phone with me, when I called the police, and the spa owner. She checked on me every week. Around that 30th day, she invited me to her daughters’ game night, so I could get reacclimatized to the outside world. I left the party early because I wasn’t quite ready for crowds yet. But I left with tears because I was so grateful.

In the meantime between time, Dr. Fiyah inspired me to nurse that anger.  “Aren’t you learning bass? I’d love to see what you can do creatively to express how you feel.”

And thus, Thee BLK Pearl was born. Our song “Top Notch Goddess” was the first song I ever wrote on the bass. And it was Dr. Fiyah’s favorite. According to her, the song went triple platinum in her office, along with Earth, Wind, and Fire.

The best way to describe Dr. Fiyah Oates’ persona was “matriarchal bestie.” She was the aunt you could tell everything to. A second mom you could lean on. The girlfriend you could shit on dating with. The teacher that inspired you to pay attention. The scholar that could break down and yet challenge religious principles.

Dr. Fiyah was an elder in the community. She never met a joke she couldn’t laugh at. And she impacted every woman she ever met. Dr. Fiyah was the epitome of nonjudgmental, the Queen of “Dun-dun it all!” Talking to her was like medicine because there was always reassurance that there indeed was a sunnier side to the pain. 

On the dawn of her passing, I think about all the ways Dr. Fiyah had my back. And, how deciding to see her was the catalyst for so much change in my perspective. Namely, how I see myself and my interactions with others.

In 2021, I wanted the challenge of creating a Rite of Passage for myself. With Dr. Fiyah’s help, I created a program called Journey 2 I: A 7-Month Chakra Cleanse. Each month focused on a different chakra in the body, complete with its own list of affirmations, journal questions, dietary focuses, and fasts.

I originated  J2I as a self-meditation, but Dr. Fiyah insisted on growing it as a support group for accountability.  I was nervous about this, because who was I to trust with the healing of others?

Two retreats and a few lifelong friendships later, I can proudly admit that group coaching was my thing. J2I inspired me to enroll in Dr. Fiyah’s Transcendental Life Institute for my Life Coaching License.  It also grew my confidence by 1000, because it sharpened the way I built relationships across generations, faiths, and experiences. I’m forever grateful to my J2I ladies, for trusting me, in the interim.

I graduated with my Life Coaching Certificate  - cap and gown! - in Spring 2022. At the beginning of the program, I thought I’d use my certificate to not just coach but to further my study as a Set Intimacy Coordinator. However, I’d fall out of love with the set life later that year, so that didn’t exactly come to fruition.

Dr. Fiyah and Dr. Jerome presented my Certificate. My Brother, mom, sis-in-law, and sleepy Nephew joined for a picture.

So what was it all for? Despite Dr. Fiyah’s constant encouragement towards the Life-Coaching, “Journey 2 I” cooled when our schedules no longer meshed, I never completed my license for Intimacy Coordinating, and damn sure haven’t officiated anyone’s wedding…. Yet.

I stepped into Astin.

“You know, Astin, you don’t need me anymore. We can do sessions every now and then if you’d like but, you have the tools.” -Dr. Fiyah.

I would always tell Dr, Fiyah, “I hope you’re proud of me.” Because I was just in complete awe of her! But she would always say back (almost annoyed), “I hope you are proud of yourself.”

My sessions with Dr. Fiyah became fewer, almost monthly. Mainly, anytime I started dating. Funny how interpersonal relationships can make you examine and then REexamine a trigger you thought you healed. And that’s when she would say:

“Oftentimes, there will be days you thought you gotten over something, and even in your growth, it triggers something in you. That’s okay, it doesn’t mean you haven’t healed.

I know today feels bad, but Astin, please know that you are not the same young woman who walked into my office that day. You are a completely new woman. You’ve done so much work. Know that. And be proud of that.”

I’ve never been prouder of myself than I have been, today. And to you, Empress Dr. Fiyah, I still wish I could tell you.  But instead, I will pronounce my gratitude. I give thanks, that I can stand on my own, and decide who Astin is, and what her narrative will be.

I don’t need you anymore, but I will always miss you. And, I’m blessed to have ever known you.

…(and when I return to the world of coaching, I will let you know :] )

Dr. Fiyah Oates passed away in a tragic car accident on Sunday, March 4, 2024.

Please send loving kindness to her growing family, friends, and network in this time of tremendous loss.